Semi-sleepless nights

Have not blogged much recently, mostly due to my health and partly to do with moving.

When I cant sleep my thinking goes into overdrive. I think about everything. Right now I am thinking about all the different people I have met in my life. It would be marvelous if I could document them all and study them. Kinda like the early explorers did when the first came across an animal that had never been seen by man before. But I wont shoot my subjects and dissect them. That probably isn't a very good idea.
I would like to start on the ones who would never ever ever stumble across this and yell and scream at me for. Yes essentially I am a giant chicken. I will also remove all last names, and maybe even change their first names. Not sure yet.

A long time ago.. When I was a wee lass, there was a boy who lived next door to me. All these years I have remembered him fairly clearly. I think mostly because I had a mad hot crush on him. But back then all that a boy had to do to secure my love was be kinda smart and geeky. He won my heart by teaching me how to play chess.
I think he know how violent my affections were, after a while he tried to get rid of me. But at the age of eight you tend to ignore things like that and annoy them even more.
I remember he had a faint damp smell about him, it wasnt unpleasant. More like the result of spending too long inside. He was a star wars and sonic fanatic, he had a mother but no father and for some odd reason they ate their meals at 5pm at the dining room table, instead of the normal 6-8pm huddle around the tv like the rest of the world.
They were strange to us, but I guess that they might have been normal to some people.
The day we left the area was devastating for me. I thought I had lost the love of my life. I remember wearing lipstick for him and just before leaving his house forever I kissed a square of toilet paper and placed it under his pillow.

I never saw him again, but I have often thought about him, the boy who taught me to play chess. I wonder if he ever got that square of toilet paper with my lipstick kiss on it. Or if it slipped off the bed onto the floor and eventually made its way to the bin without anyone ever realising what it was. Either way, its a nice memory.

Look up

It's funny how some people can spend their entire lives with their eyes cast down. Never looking up to face the world, to take in it's glory and beauty. Never facing the pain and heartache.
It must be a sad, safe sort of existence.

Blasphemy!

“Blasphemy!”

The word is shrieked out through thin lips, and I’m startled back into myself. I feel my body heat up; I know his words are for me.

My sin is so great, everyone can see it. My protruding belly is proof of that.

He has no sin; no one knows it was him. I am punishable because I was caught. He gets off free because I’ve said nothing.

The hard seat makes my back ache; the eyes of fifty people only accentuate how uncomfortable I am. I dare not try to explain, I didn’t know it was a sin.

Isabelle Leigh

Chubby fingers and a snub nose,
loose brown locks wild and free.
Bright wide blue eyes, soft pale skin.
Secrets whispered into trusting ears.
Smiles,giggles, tickles and kisses.
The way she gets excited
over simple everyday things.
A spider holds her attention,
butterflies delight and fascinate her.
For all these things and more,
I love her.
Her innocence, her wonder,
the funny things she does.
The way she runs to me,
to make her feel safe,
she snuggles in my arms until she is safe again.
The way her face lights up when she sees me.
I love her.
I love my beautiful niece,
with everything I have.
Every time I see her
my heart threatens to explode.
I love her because
she is part of me.
She is of my my blood,
and I will never leave her.
I love you Isabelle Leigh.

My reasons

Why do I love you?
Your eyes question me
probing for the answers,
begging for me to list my reasons.

I love you for you optimism,
your blind faith in your beliefs,
you faith in me.
I love you when you're cranky,
when you're sad, when you're happy.
I love your smile
and how it warms my heart.
I love the noises you make when you're sleeping,
how you cling to me at night.
I love you because you care,
you need me as I need you.
Together we are happy,
apart we are miserable.
I have always loved you,
I will always love you,
with all of my heart.

So my love,
these are my reasons for loving you.
There are many more, too many to mention,
read these and be satisfied.
I love you with all my heart,
but your endless questions annoy me.

Impending birth

My sister is only days away from exploding with an infant.
She already has one, absolutely adorable daughter. Now we are expecting a little boy. Boyd. And I can't wait, the last 8 months have been murder.
So we're coming into end game and we are all freaking out.
Are we going to be ready for another child?
Considering my sister is a young mother, and is having difficulties with one I am not sure it was wise for her to have another one.
And I am a little jealous, I wouldnt mind a baby. But I don't mind a nephew instead. I have a lot of fun with my niece. Double the trouble, double the fun?

Yeah ok, I get it!

I hate it when people have to constantly point out one of your flaws. Yeah I know I have flaws, I know they are there, and I am dealing with them. But you pointing them out is just going to make me develop a complex about them.

EXAMPLE;
I snore, loudly and constantly. Thankfully I have never heard my snoring before, until now that is.
My lovely loving caring boyfriend decided to record my snoring.
Ok so fair enough, he cant sleep if I fall asleep before him. So I stay awake until he is asleep before I go to sleep. I put in the effort so that he can get the sleep he needs and not be kept awake by my snoring.
This morning I waited until 3 am before letting myself sleep. He woke up early to make a phone call and then couldnt get back to sleep again. I was, of course, by this time, in full swing with my snoring.
I couldnt help it, I was tired and to make matters worse I am congested.
So after, I have no idea how many attempts, to wake me up, my boyfriend decides to record me snoring.
And today, with a large grin on his face, he makes me listen to the recording. He laughs the whole way through it, I sit stunned and mortified. He even goes as far as to play it twice. All the time looking at me and laughing.
Thanks babe, you made me feel real special today, hope I can do the same for you in the future.

So that's my inspiration for todays blog. Now I know I snore but him pointing it out like that is only gonna make me hate myself for it.

I will never understand why people have to tear each other down like that. I would never do that to him. I would never do that to anyone.
Everyone has flaws, we should learn to love them for it.
Not humiliate them as much as possible.

Thanks for listening,
~Bree

To be, or not to be?

Lately I have been feeling the need and want to reproduce very strongly, as if, written inside me somewhere is a script for when I have to reproduce. I think I am getting awfully close to that time.
I hear a lot of people talking about women's biological clocks ticking, and I wonder when I should start worrying about that. At the age of 21 it is probably a little too early for that. But still, there is that little thought at the back of my mind, "Do it before it's too late!"
So at the moment that's what keeps me up at night, my uterus. I have nightmares of being old and never knowing what it feels like to have a baby grow inside of you. (I have a feeling it would feel somewhat like really bad indigestion, but that's just a theory.)
The difficult part in all of this is, even though I know I alone could love and care for an infant. I don't want too.
I don't want to be a single mum, surviving on the dole, having no one but that child in my life.
I want the stability of a man, of the man of my dreams. I want to be secure, and loved. Most of all I want to be loved. But then again doesn't everyone desire love?
Isn't that what most of us are looking for?
But as I said, I am only 21, perhaps I dont know what I want at all.

~Miss Bree

Drunk?

10. Your head becomes immune to concrete and marble floors.

9. You can't help but proclaim how beautiful everyone is.

8. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

7. The glass keeps missing your mouth.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

3. Your job is interfering with your drinking.

2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.